One of the things that my mother taught me that has always stuck with me is “don’t say things you don’t mean, because once you say something, you cannot take it back.” So, I have been carefully considering whether I want to say I want a divorce. I know that once that one little word comes out of my mouth, our relationship will forever be changed. It’s probably why I never said the word even during the angst of discovery and hellish months following that discovery. Not once. Ever. Not even when I wanted to strangle him. Not when I saw all of the emails, the texts, the money, the time and the love he gave her.
Then, I said it. Last Thursday. Divorce. I want one. I told him. We both cried and held each other. We are both now forever scarred by that one little word that we never wanted to hear.
He is sick with grief. For the first time ever, I think he finally understands my pain. He admitted that up until now, he never really comprehended just how much he hurt me, how much I have a right to be angry and resentful. He is desperate to salvage our marriage, offering counseling and anything and everything I want him to do. But there is nothing he can do. He is who he is. He did what he did. There is no changing it.
I am simply heartbroken. I can’t stand to see him so hurt. I want so much to hold him and tell him that I take it back. I never wanted this, and I never envisioned this as my life. I am grieving the loss of what our marriage was and could have been, what I had hoped for our future together, our failure to make things right in our marriage before he felt the need to seek attention elsewhere. But, I need to move on from this marriage for my own sanity and well being. I need to remove myself from the worry, the doubts, the distrust, the insecurities, and find myself again; move away from the pain, and regain my confidence.
We are strangely civil and kind to one another. I guess I pictured most divorces as some dramatic blow out. That is not us… yet. I hope it won’t be ugly. I do care for him deeply. Love him still, even.
4 comments
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June 2, 2015 at 7:37 pm
Flaca
Divorce sucks. I applaud your courage. It is hard for people to understand that we, the betrayed, don’t want to hurt the ones who betrayed us… people think we’re doormats. We’re not doormats. We’re human. Jsut because our hearts were broken you can’t undo the love that we’ve shared. Love doesnt even end if its broken and the marriage dissolved. You’ll probably always care for you husband and that’s ok. But caring for yourself – healing & moving on – through divorce is ok, too. You do what you have to do. No judgement here. Sending you nothing but hugs & support.
June 2, 2015 at 8:38 pm
datingwhilemarried
I don’t have the courage
June 2, 2015 at 11:07 pm
Bee
((HUGS)) I second what Flaca said about not wanting to hurt the ones who hurt us. It makes no sense. But taking care of yourself makes the most sense. Take care of you, no matter what your choice. No matter how badly your husband hurts.
June 3, 2015 at 7:05 am
breakingfree2015
My heart goes out to you. I think it’s harder when you feel for them AND know it needs to be over. The good news is that you’re not delaying the inevitable. Here’s to keeping it civil!