One of the things that my mother taught me that has always stuck with me is “don’t say things you don’t mean, because once you say something, you cannot take it back.”  So, I have been carefully considering whether I want to say I want a divorce.  I know that once that one little word comes out of my mouth, our relationship will forever be changed.  It’s probably why I never said the word even during the angst of discovery and hellish months following that discovery.  Not once.  Ever. Not even when I wanted to strangle him.  Not when I saw all of the emails, the texts, the money, the time and the love he gave her.

Then, I said it.  Last Thursday.  Divorce.  I want one.  I told him.  We both cried and held each other.  We are both now forever scarred by that one little word that we never wanted to hear.

He is sick with grief.  For the first time ever, I think he finally understands my pain.  He admitted that up until now, he never really comprehended just how much he hurt me, how much I have a right to be angry and resentful.  He is desperate to salvage our marriage, offering counseling and anything and everything I want him to do.  But there is nothing he can do.  He is who he is.  He did what he did.  There is no changing it.

I am simply heartbroken.  I can’t stand to see him so hurt.  I want so much to hold him and tell him that I take it back.  I never wanted this, and I never envisioned this as my life.  I am grieving the loss of what our marriage was and could have been, what I had hoped for our future together, our failure to make things right in our marriage before he felt the need to seek attention elsewhere.  But, I need to move on from this marriage for my own sanity and well being.  I need to remove myself from the worry, the doubts, the distrust, the insecurities, and find myself again; move away from the pain, and regain my confidence.

We are strangely civil and kind to one another.  I guess I pictured most divorces as some dramatic blow out.  That is not us… yet.  I hope it won’t be ugly.  I do care for him deeply.  Love him still, even.