Discovering the perks of travel as a single.

During the divorce my mom and her husband felt so bad for me that they invited me to join them on a vacation to the Dominican Republic that they had planned.  I hesitated, realizing it was a bit of a sympathy invitation, but in a lonely moment, I went ahead and booked a room at the same resort for the first 5 days of their 8-day vacation.  The divorce was final last month, and the trip was this past week.  Pretty good timing for a lazy 5 days on the beach.  While I was looking forward to the beach and spending some time with my mom, I was hesitant about traveling alone and feeling lonely.  But, instead of being lonely, here’s what I discovered:

1. I was on time everywhere (early even).  There was no rushing to the airport, to get checked out, to get anywhere.  The X was ALWAYS late to everything (a reflection of his self-centeredness), and I hadn’t realized how stressful that was on me.  Traveling alone meant I only needed to take care of me and no one else.  I actually enjoyed taking my time everywhere I went.
2. My room was exactly the temperature I like.  He always wanted the room freezing cold, which meant never opening the balcony doors to get fresh air or listen to the ocean.  I got both on this trip!
3. I ate when and where I wanted.  I’m not a picky eater, and he is, so I always just let him choose when and where.  I love to try new things, so I really enjoyed this new found culinary freedom.
4. There was no complaining – about anything.  He always found something wrong with something or someone on our trips and complained and bitched and moaned incessantly.  And, because I was the one that had to plan and book everything, I always felt like he was criticizing me in the process.  I hadn’t realized how that had been ruining my enjoyment of travelling.
5. Having a room to just me was pretty great.  I slept.  A lot. No snoring, no messes to clean up, no foul odors, no sharing of any space.
6. I read.  A lot.  I didn’t have to entertain anyone.  The X needed constant entertainment and would never just read on the beach all day, but wouldn’t let me do it either!
7. I never felt awkward or weird about being alone.  When I checked into the hotel and the gentlemen asked me “solomente uno”?  I was fine with telling him, “si, solomente uno.”  And, while my mom and step-dad were not far away, I was fine to sit at the lobby bar alone with a cocktail and catch up on emails or just people watch.  In fact, after the third day, I was ready for a break from them and ventured around a bit on my own.
8. I didn’t worry if a man looked at me or came up to me to chat.  I didn’t have to shoo anyone away before the husband got back.  Most of them were locals just saying hello and wanting to talk to a blonde girl on the beach and practice their English.  Harmless stuff, and I got to learn about the locals more than I would have otherwise.

I did, however, miss my dog terribly!  And, I would be lying if I didn’t say there was at least one night when I couldn’t sleep and I felt really alone.

On my own for the first time in 20 years.

Yesterday the X came and got the last of his things, finally.  It took him more than three weeks to finish moving all of his stuff (he closed on his house on September 9).  The last few weeks, I was so annoyed by his slow paced move, and what felt to me like disrespect of my space and time.  But, after he left yesterday, the finality of it all hit me – that I might never see him again, and I cried a good cry.  I am alone.  It’s scary.  And, last night, I was tempted to call him and tell him I miss him and just talk.  I miss having that closeness, that ease we had in being able to talk about anything.  But, he lives with his girlfriend now, and calling him would not be fair to her, and I’m not going to be that woman that calls her ex and depends on him for everything.  It’s over and our friendship is over too.

Nights are difficult and lonely.  Weekends are even worse.  Tagging along with my married friends on their outings is going to get old really quickly.  It already is, and I usually feel a bit out of place when I go out with them and their husbands.

I’ve kept myself busy buying new furniture and trying to redecorate the house.  He took about half of the furniture and decor, so there’s quite a bit to do.  I realize that soon, all of that will be done, and then what?  I’m afraid that another wave of loneliness will hit.  In fact, I know it will and I dread it and am starting to think of something else that I can busy myself with.

My mom came out for a visit, and that helped too.  I’m trying to convince my dad to come out for Thanksgiving since I don’t have enough time off work to make the trip back home.  I know that the holidays will be extra lonely since all of my family lives in Illinois, and I am in Colorado.

The idea of dating freaks me out.  I’m totally not ready, but I know I will be ready some day.  I have so many trust issues now, I’m not sure I will ever fully trust someone again.  I worry that my distrust will sabotage any future relationship.

I thank God every day that I got to keep the dog.  I have become so attached to her, I have to admit that it’s actually a bit weird.  I was never one of those people that treats their pets like a human, but now I am.

I don’t mean for this post to sound so dismal and sad.  There are good things too.  The house is so easy to clean now!  I am amazed at how much of a mess he made that I was always cleaning up.  Laundry is way easier to do now too.  I watch whatever I want on TV.  No boring racing anymore – Yay!  I eat and cook what I want and even no meat for many meals.  I find that I spend very little on food.  I do what I want when I want – I read at night, I go for walks with the dog, whatever, because I have no one else’s schedule to deal with.  I can find everything because it’s always exactly where I left it.  I decorate how I want – I don’t have to consider whether things are “too girly” or not.  I don’t have the stress and worry of whether he is cheating or lying or doing something disrespectful of our marriage or of me – that’s a big one.  I don’t have to tiptoe around his moods (he was very moody), be his cheerleader, or deal with his constant complaining about work, his mother, etc.  I’m sure I’ll continue to discover good things about being on my own, and I don’t regret my decision.  It’s just that things are very different, and I’m adjusting.

Moving Day

He closed on his new ginormous house yesterday; the one he will soon be sharing with his new girlfriend and her two daughters.  He is moving out today.  I am just so sad.  I wish things were different.  I wish he had been different.  I wish we both had communicated better – before he had his affair, before so much resentment was allowed into our hearts.  I wish he wasn’t a liar.  But, he is.  And, we can’t go back in time and re-do anything.  In my mind, I know that I will be better off without him.  In my heart, I am broken.

Affirmations that I made the right choice.

I told my husband that I wanted a divorce on May 28.  We’ve been cordial and even friendly with each other – both of us seemingly heartbroken.  In fact, we went to dinner for his birthday last week and had a really nice evening.  We didn’t talk about the divorce, and we’re both fine as long as we don’t talk about it.  It’s been so hard, because I still love him.  I cry all the time and have had so many doubts about whether I’ve made the right decision.  And he has been professing his love for me and telling me that he does not want a divorce.  Yet, his actions say something altogether different….

The week after I told him that I wanted a divorce, he stopped wearing his ring, unfriended and blocked me on Facebook, and unfriended and blocked all of my friends.  I maintain a fake FB account (to investigate employees for my job) and looked him up.  I was saddened and hurt to see that he immediately friended and had conversations with the old girlfriend that I wrote about in my post What was the Final Straw. On June 9, he signed the joint petition for divorce (and handed it to me in tears).  On June 11, I filed it with the court (and fell apart afterwards, and he again said he didn’t want me to file it, that he wanted to work on our marriage).  On Monday this week, I happen to see an email flash across on his cell phone from the Ashley Madison website.  And Saphrina.  I hacked into his accounts, and sure enough, he has set up a profile on both.  In case you’re not familiar with these websites, take a look.  They are dating websites for married people who are looking to have affairs.  He hasn’t responded to any of the messages he’s received (most of which appear to be scams), nor has he contacted anyone on either site.

Nonetheless, I am so hurt.  Words cannot even express it.  I knew that he would move on quickly; he cannot be alone.  But, how does he profess such love for me and yet do things that reflect that he does not care one bit?  And, after seeing the destruction that his affair did to me, how can he possibly consider doing that to anyone else?  How can he justify hurting someone that he does not even know?  There are innocent people that will be hurt!  I am disgusted and hurt and humiliated and sad and angry and confused and so many other emotions that words cannot describe.  Who is this person I married?  How could I have mis-judged him so badly and for so long?  I get that he is feeling rejected by me right now and needs a boost to his ego, but this is taking it too far!  I am so confused about so many things.  That being said, I am no longer confused or doubtful about my choice to divorce.  Though my heart is still aching over it, my mind is telling me that I made the right choice.

What was the final straw?

A few people have asked what was it that finally made me make my decision to ask for a divorce after three years of trying to heal.  I thought about this too in the months leading up to now – when and how would I know?  I thought (hoped) I would have an epiphany; one where I would suddenly see everything in my life so clearly and I would know exactly what I wanted to do and there would be no doubts, no confusion, no second-guessing of my decision.  That epiphany never came really.

What did happen was that I finally realized that he will never change certain traits.  Traits that I used to accept, but post D-day, can no longer overlook.  Traits that aren’t bad necessarily, but not good for me.  Not anymore.  Perhaps the incident that really made look at this more closely was the “picture with a scantily clad cocktail waitress” incident that I wrote about in December (Still insecure; but am I overreacting?).

I also began to realize that I was never really going to trust him again.  Certainly, I know and trust that he is not having an affair, but I will never trust him like I once did.  I will always have doubts in the back of my mind.  Those are things that I now realize may never go away.

I then began to ask myself:  Are these things I can live with for the rest of my life?  I was beginning to realize that the answer was no.  I didn’t want to live like that.  As much as I love my husband, and even though we are so compatible, and have such a good time together, I do not want to live out my life not feeling confident about myself or my marriage.

Then, he did something that reinforced all of the worries I had.  I went back to Illinois to visit my parents and attend my niece’s graduation over Memorial Day weekend.  I also wanted to talk to my mom.  I wanted to tell her about how I was feeling and that maybe I wanted a divorce.  When I got back from Illinois, I logged onto his Facebook account and looked at his activity.  During the four days I was gone, he unblocked two of his affair partner’s family members (Her mother and sister-in-law) and looked up their profiles.  (He can’t look up Her profile since she has him blocked.)  He also unblocked an old girlfriend and looked at her profile.  This old girlfriend is someone that I discovered, shortly after D-day, that he had been having some inappropriate conversations with.  Conversations that a married man should not be having.  Things like: You look great, haven’t change a bit; You were always my favorite girlfriend; I sure hope we can be friends again; I hope to get to see you next time I’m home.  To me, there’s no reason for these conversations.  Nor is there any reason he should be looking her up now, and I simply can’t understand why he would do that when we discussed this very issue at length in counseling.  I was very clear, and he agreed, that contact with old girlfriends and intimate conversations with them are just wrong and that he would cease it immediately and forever.  So, I guess this was the proverbial “final straw” that catapulted me into a decision that I had been mulling for almost six months.

When I told him I wanted a divorce, I did not mention the things I found on Facebook.  My reason?  What explanation could he possibly make that would make it okay?  There is no explanation.  There is no excuse.  And I didn’t want to hear any.  And, really, Facebook is not the reason for my wanting a divorce.  The reason is that he had an affair.   So, I didn’t bring those things up; instead, I told him that I simply could not get past what he did, I didn’t think I could ever really trust him again, and that I needed to find myself again, to get my confidence back.  I told him that I need to change the direction of my healing, and that direction includes not just letting go of what he did, but also letting go of him.  I feel like I need to choose between him or me, and I choose me.  That’s the reason why.

Update – Two and a Half Years Post D-Day.

It’s been over 2 and 1/2 years since my D-day.  I am better, and for the most part I’m okay.  I cry on occasion, but not often.  Maybe once every couple of months when things overwhelm me or I’m feeling insecure about something.  For the most part, we get along well, and we are still spending the majority of our free time with each other.  It’s just a given that we spend our days off together.  He is very respectful of my need to spend time together and understands how important it is for our marriage, and that has not wavered since D-Day.  We go to movies, dinner, walks, hikes, and out with friends.  Overall, we have a good time and really get along well.

Even so, I’m still not back to my old self.  Accepting that I may never be the same person I was pre-affair has been an extremely hard pill to swallow.  It’s something that I have mourned for a long time, and I am just now accepting it.  I sometimes miss my old, confident, happy, naive self.  She was really great and fun and easy-going and so confident and sure of herself.  The new me is, well, the same, but turned down a notch or two.  Not quite as happy, not quite as fun, not quite as confident and certainly no longer naive.  I’m still me, just more cautious and guarded.  Confidence has been my biggest struggle, but it is slowly coming back.  I’m working full-time again, and I am starting to feel more confident in my work, critical decisions are coming easier.

November and December were really bad months for me.  Those months are filled with so many triggers of dates and things that I know about now, topped with my birthday (I’m now 44 and prospects for having a child are now gone, which is another issue altogether) and our wedding anniversary in the middle of the month, which is always a struggle for me.  An anniversary is a time for reflection and celebration of your love for one another, but I can’t help reflecting on the bad things, and how he broke his vows.  I began thinking what my life might look like if we divorced.  My resentment towards him and the pain he caused began to build through the holidays.  I began to plan my exit almost daily.  On my drive to work, I would look at neighborhoods and think about which one I would move to after our divorce.  I mentally divided our assets.  I argued in my mind why I should be the one that gets the dog.  I planned out how much I would need to pay him a fair settlement (I’m the bread-winner in our house).  Then, on our anniversary, without any prompting, my husband acknowledged how grateful he is for this second chance and promised to be a great husband in the future.  His acknowledgement was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time.  I just needed to know that I’m not the only one struggling with this, that he hasn’t forgotten what he did.  Since then, I’ve been a bit better.

With the new year, I am trying to look forward to the future and not back to the past.  It is so much easier said than done.  The habit of replaying in my mind the cruel things he did makes it difficult to let go of the anger and pain.  Sometimes I wonder if I hang on to that anger because it is comforting in some demented way.  Logically, I know that my mind is playing tricks on me, and that replaying those events is not really helping me at all.  I realize that hanging on to the past, replaying it in my head over and over again, is only my way of protecting myself.  It’s a way of reminding myself to never let my guard down again.  I know I should be looking forward, but it’s so hard to stop looking back.

Overall, I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.  Some days, I think we’ll never last.  Other days, I can’t imagine my life without him.  Some days, I think monogamy is bullshit and impossible.  Other days, I want to grow old with him forever.  The fact is, I just don’t know what the future holds.  I can’t predict anything.  I still check on him periodically – looking at his phone records and such.  I believe he is respecting our marriage and trying to be a better person.  I hope that he keeps it up.  But, I know that he still suffers from low self-esteem, and that was a factor that led to his affair, and every other bad decision he has made for that matter.  I’m disappointed that he did not work more on himself to address all of the issues that led him to do what he did, but after a year of counseling, I don’t blame him for wanting a break.  I can only hope he learned and retained enough to recognize and stay away from any situations that are not good for our marriage.  There is nothing more I can do.  The only thing I can do is control my reaction if he ever fucks up again.  Trust me, there will be no more second chances if he ever cheats again.  That is the only thing I am certain of.

 

Two Years Post D-Day

June 10 is a date I will never forget.  It is a date that is ingrained in my mind as much as my own birthday, my anniversary, my mother’s birthday.  It will live with me forever.  I am accepting that fact.  It is my D-Day.  The day that my world fell apart.  The day I fell apart.

I was under the impression (actually, I was hoping) that the two-year mark was some kind of “recovery finish line.”  I’ve read a lot of blogs and books and advice columns, and most of them say that it takes about two years for the betrayed spouse to recover from an affair.  Obviously, I realize that the two-year mark for recovery is something that is written about in general terms, and it comes with a disclaimer like: every person is different, some take longer or shorter time to recover, blah, blah, blah.  So, as June 10 has neared, I was expecting (hoping) to be “recovered.”  I was hoping to be free of the pain, released from the grips of my anger and resentment, not to still thinking about it or Her on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis, to be back to my old self, to be happy again, in my marriage and in my life.  Things are better than they were on June 10, 2012 — much better than those first few months after discovery.  But, I am not free from the pain of what he did.  I am still sometimes angry, hurt, sad, resentful, or just confused.  Sometimes, I still cry, but not so much anymore.

I have noticed a change in me in the past six months or so.  I’m stronger and have most of my confidence back.  After the blow of learning of the affair, there were months where I thought I would never have my confidence back; frankly, I wondered if I’d ever be able to work at a full time capacity again.  I am once again decisive and quick in my work and able to handle a full time load, though now I choose not to do litigation — why stress myself needlessly?  I am again able to make decisions in my personal life, although sometimes I still struggle with making them.  I still have some insecurities, particularly when it comes to him and me not feeling like he desires me enough or loves me enough or that I am attractive or young enough.  But, for the most part, I am comfortable in my own skin again and feel good about me.

I’ve become more compassionate.  I look more closely at things before making a judgment or rendering an opinion. I stick up for people when I hear others talking about them, and I remind them that we never know what motivates someone to act a certain way.  I used to think that I would leave his ass if he ever cheated.  But the truth is, you can’t say what you’ll do until it happens to you, and you can’t judge someone else for staying until you’ve stood in their shoes.  The same goes for everything in life — you cannot judge the choices other people make — I see that more clearly now and recognize and respect other people’s choices.

I often question myself whether I still love my husband the way one should love their spouse.  Of course, I love him, but it’s not the same kind of love that it used to be.  How it’s different is hard to explain.  Sometimes, I want to rip his face off.  Sometimes, I want to have my own affair so he will know at least some of the pain that he has put on me.  Sometimes, I simply want to disappear and never see or think of him again.  But, those are fleeting fantasies.  Most of the time, he is still the only person that I truly want to spend my time with.  I still want to protect him, encourage him, take care of him, do little things to make him happy.  Sometimes, I feel love for him in a way that fills me completely and even makes my eyes tear up.

But, it is not that all-encompassing, all-trusting, blind, generous and unconditional love that I used to have for him.  It is now a more “cautious” love, if that makes sense.  I’m still kind of working out in my own head how I feel about him because it is so different from how it was before D-day.  It’s hard for me to accept that my love for him will always be different now, and I still question whether he loves me enough.  I mean, if he had loved me enough, he wouldn’t have gone and given his love to someone else, would he?  Why would he take so much away from me – his time, his affection, his love — and give it to someone else if he really, truly, loved me?  And, I question: Is the love we have now enough?  Is it enough to weather the rest of our lives together and the problems and issues down the road that we will surely have to face?  I don’t know.  Maybe I never knew, until he cheated, that love is an uncertainty.  Maybe no one knows, and we’re all just taking a chance.

I’ve also come to realize that I actually could leave him if I wanted to, that I am strong enough now.  When I initially discovered the affair and the months that came after that day, I frankly did not have the strength to do anything, let alone leave him.  That’s different now.  I know I can do anything, handle anything.  I’ve been through hell and survived.  I would be sad about divorcing him and him no longer being in my life, I would miss him terribly, and life would look very different, but I now know that I would be just fine.  In fact, I might even thrive.  I’ve considered leaving him many times, as recently as two days ago.  Sometimes, I only stay because I love what we have built so much — I love our home, our friends, our plans for the future — and I don’t want to give those things up.  Mostly, I stay because I still love him, and I believe that he loves me, and because I hope that one day we will be happy – truly happy – again.

I worry that I look at him so differently now, that it will ruin whatever hopes for a happy future we might have.  I see his flaws like glaring, flashing neon signs.  All things that I never really noticed before or simply didn’t give much weight:  he lies, even to his friends, about things that are of no consequence, to make himself look better; he always needs to be the center of attention; he can’t handle any criticism, no matter how slight; he rarely accepts responsibility for his own role in things when they go wrong (his affair being the sole exception); he complains about everything, as if no one has ever been as tired, hurt, sick, you name it, as him; he has no understanding of the concept of delayed gratification, and never says no to himself; he doesn’t educate himself or take the initiative to learn anything new and depends on me to do and figure everything out for him and us in life.  I realize just now that I have described a narcissist.  Yes, he has many narcissistic traits, and I worry that I have been codependent on him for so very long that neither of us knows how or is capable of living any differently.

But, all that being said, he does love me.  He shows it every day in the changes he has made in his behavior, his lifestyle, the way we communicate, the list goes on.  I know that he wants to make this marriage work as much as, if not more than, I do.  So…. I’m still hanging in there.

 

 

Last therapy session.

I had been thinking for some time now that my therapy has run its course, and I may be ready to handle things on my own. So, last week was my last session.  Of course, I can always go back.  And, I promised myself that if I ever do need to go back to therapy, I won’t wait until I’m near suicidal!

Joy asked me what it was that I thought helped me the most.  Without a doubt, it was the realization that many most of my feelings of insecurity, fear, distrust, the triggers and the mind tricks, were just that.  Mind tricks that I was playing on myself.  Her explanation of limited thinking patterns and how to overcome them was the single most positive thing that I got out of therapy.  Now, when I am triggered or start to go down the “crazy train” of thoughts as I like to call it, I immediately, and almost as a matter of second nature, eliminate the limited thinking pattern and thus, eliminate the bad thoughts.  Sure, I’m still triggered.  I will always have triggers.  But, I can change how I let them affect me, and I can defuse the pain by stopping all the negative thinking, mind reading, and catastrophizing that I was doing.

Plus, I have started working more again, and I realize that I have my confidence back – something I never thought would return.  I thought that I was so broken that I would never have the sharpness that I needed to be good at my job.  But, recently, I had an experience at work that proved I hadn’t lost “it” after all.

I don’t regret a single penny spent on couples counseling or my personal therapy.  It’s been thousands of dollars.  All worth it.  My marriage would not have survived without the help of our marriage counselor in the beginning, or the last eight months of individual therapy.  I know that we would have given up, or at least separated, had it not been for their help and what we learned about each other and ourselves.

And, while I feel that I had to put more (in terms of time and effort) into the therapy, I also was more wounded.  My husband was able to move on from the affair and start anew much, much sooner than me.  I was not ready, and I needed to work through issues – sometimes the same issues, over and over again.  But, at some point, I felt it was unfair to keep forcing my husband to talk about the affair.  As unfair as that sounds to the betrayed (and it felt unfair to me), I believe that at some point, you have to stop beating them over the head with it; otherwise, the talk of the affair becomes a toxin to the relationship.  Don’t get me wrong – he was willing to talk about it, but after over a year of talking about it, I could see the effect it was having on him.  He was becoming more withdrawn and distant.  He simply could not bear any more shame and had exhausted himself with apologies.  That’s why I needed therapy.  I wasn’t done talking about the affair, and I couldn’t move on.

Replaying events; new triggers; and yes, therapy is helping.

I think I’ve mentioned on here before that I have told very few of my friends about the affair:  two of my girlfriends, my mom, and my aunt.  One of my girlfriends, we’ll call her T, has been a friend for over 15 years.  We know each other’s families well, and everyone in her family knows my husband.  T and I had a chance to go to dinner last weekend, and although I told her about the affair more than six months ago, she told me that something just occurred to her that was probably important, but at the time she dismissed it and never thought about it again until recently.  I could tell she was fighting tears, as she told me that about three years ago, her 26 year-old son came to her and her husband (who is good friends with my husband) and told them that he had seen my husband at a restaurant with another woman and a little girl (Her daughter).  He said that he was certain that my husband recognized him, and that by my husband’s body language, he felt that he was not welcome to walk over and say hello, so he didn’t.  He told them that it was obvious that my husband and this woman were romantically involved.

My friend and her husband argued with her son; vehemently defending my husband and convincing her son that he was wrong, that it was not my husband that he had seen that day, that my husband wouldn’t do that sort of thing, couldn’t do that, and that he must be mistaken.  She said that they were never able to convince her son, but he agreed to drop it.

She began to really choke up and apologized to me, stating that only if she had believed her son, if only she had told me, that maybe she could have spared me some of the pain I’ve endured.  Of course, I now know that no one, except my husband, could have spared me the pain I’ve been through.  I also told her that it would have done no good even if she had told me about it.  He was such a good liar.  There would have been an excuse, a strong and believable denial.  And, I would have believed him.  Then, he would have made sure that my contact with her was limited.  He would have made excuses for the four of us not to see each other.  He would have held a grudge against her, and created a wedge in our friendship.  So, I told her, it’s all in the past.  Yes, it was my husband that her son saw, no doubt, but she shouldn’t let it bother her.

It’s funny (not funny haha, but funny strange) how even a friend of mine has been doing the same thing I have spent the last year and a half doing: going back through the events of the past with a new light.  Suddenly, with this enlightened knowledge, something that you previously dismissed now looks curious and suspicious.  I don’t care to describe how much I have re-lived the past few years, going through every mundane detail of my life and looking at it anew.  Things that were so innocent and not the least suspicious are now riddled with skepticism.  In a way, though, it’s a relief.  I now have a reason for the strangeness I felt between my husband and I.  There is an explanation for why I felt the way I did: jealous, insecure, angry, lonely.  Before, I thought I was losing my mind.  Now, I can re-play all of the events of those two years and know that I was not wrong, that I was not crazy, that it was not my fault.

So, I was fine the rest of that night, and my girlfriend and I really had an enjoyable evening.  But the next few nights.  Not so much.  I couldn’t help but think back to her conversation with me; the fact that someone we knew had actually witnessed his affair; the fact that he neglected to tell me about this run-in when I had specifically asked him if anyone ever saw him with her; the fact that he had humiliated me; the fact that he had everyone, including me, so fooled into believing he was someone who he was not.  I began to think again that maybe he is still not the person he says he is.  Maybe he is fooling me yet again.  The “what-ifs” began to take hold and were threatening to take me down to that depressed state.

But, my therapy proved helpful here.  I recognized the pattern, and  first attempted to use some of the imagery that I’ve been learning in therapy.  I locked the what-ifs up in a safe, sent them to the bottom of the ocean, but somehow they kept getting out of the safe.  I had my therapy session this week and told Joy about it.  She said that the what-ifs were not getting out of the safe – it was locked; new ones were coming in, and I needed to lock them up too.  I had a hard time with that imagery – it seems kind of silly to me to imagine such things in the hopes that they disappear.  The game is not based in reality, and while I get it, it just doesn’t work for me.

So I moved on to another technique I learned in therapy.  I mentally create two columns: one is evidence that supports the what-if, and the other is evidence against the what-if.   When I got to the ultimate what-if:  maybe he is fooling me still; the only thing I can put in the column that supports the thought is the fact that he had an affair in the past.  I have no evidence that he is lying or cheating or doing anything else bad presently.  On the other side of that column, I can list many things that I can verify that support that he is doing exactly as he says.  I’ve used this technique many times, and always its the same: the only fact that I can list to support the bad what-if thought is the fact that he had an affair once.  Powerful stuff, I think.

The Holidays and an update.

Last year I spent the holidays in great pain – everything was a trigger, and I was depressed.  This year, I was still triggered, but the pain and obsessive thoughts were short-lived.  Instead of exchanging gifts for our anniversary and Christmas, we took a vacation with another couple that we’ve known forever and really enjoy spending time with.  We had a major argument the week before vacation, and I was really unsure of whether our marriage would make it to the new year.  I haven’t written about it because I needed for us to work through it “alone.”  I needed my mind to be clear and unclouded by the blogs.  The vacation was perfect timing and proved to be a great bonding experience for both of us.  Since then, we have seemed to be closer and more connected.  We both agreed that we needed to take more vacations, even if they are just a weekend away.

I am still in therapy, and last week I decided to go only every other week.  I have learned coping mechanisms for my obsessive thoughts and triggers, which have helped.  I have accepted that there will always be triggers and I will always be reminded of the affair – which was very difficult for me, as for a very long time I wanted (needed) for someone to tell me that I would someday not be affected by the affair.  I wanted to be the person I was before the affair – trusting, happy, carefree.  I have accepted that I will never truly be that person again, and some of those traits that I had (e.g., blind trust) were actually harmful to me.  My husband wants that person back, too.  Particularly the blind trust.  He is having difficulty accepting that he will never have that kind of trust again.  I wish he would go to therapy by himself.  There are so many things he could work on – from issues and resentments from his childhood to self-forgiveness for the affair.  But, I accept that he does not want to.

Though things are better, and my depression seems to be lessening, I still have not forgiven him, and that is why I am still going to therapy.  I want to be able to let go of all of the anger and hurt and truly forgive, but I’m just not able to.  At least not yet.