Before the affair, I was one of those cool girls. Because I had total, blind trust in my husband, it was easy for me to be “cool” with everything he did. He wanted to go out with the guys. Fine. He wanted to go to the strip club. Okay. He wanted to go to the bar where the girls wear practically nothing. Sure.
Post-affair. No way. I realized I was no longer “cool” with any of those things, and frankly, I know that I will probably never totally be cool with most of them ever again. Shortly after discovery, he went to one of those bars where the girls are all 20 and wear a bra with a too short skirt – a place called “Twin Peaks.” (Yes, that’s the real name of the place.) As if that wasn’t enough to pour salt in to my freshly opened wounds, he also had one of the waitresses pose for a picture on top of his car! Keep in mind, this was only a few months after discovery, and I nearly left him over the incident.
Fast forward two years, and he tells me that he is going to meet the guys for a few drinks to watch the game. At first, he tells me he is meeting at one of the guys’ shop for beers. I say sure, no problem. So the night of this little get-together, he’s acting kinda funny. Overly compensating about how he doesn’t really want to go, but he said he would, but he won’t be late. I’m triggered. It’s a reminder of how he acted so many nights when he was headed out to see Her. So, though I haven’t done it in some time, I track him on Find my iPhone. And, guess where he is? Yep. Twin Peaks. So I call him and ask him: “where did you say you were going?” Well, he knows I can track him, so he immediately tells me he is at Twin Peaks; he already told me that, right? No. He didn’t. He does ask me if I’m okay with it, and says he can leave if I’m not. I say stay; I’m okay, but he didn’t tell me he was going there. Of course he disagrees again, but I let it go.
I don’t think about it again. He comes home early; right after the game. I feel fine about it and really proud of myself for finally being secure enough to be somewhat “cool” again.
Then, this morning, I look at his phone. Old habit ever since discovery. And, there is a picture of him with one of the waitresses from Twin Peaks. All grins. He’s been sending the picture to his friends with the caption “F’n $.” Of course, his friends are even bigger pigs than him, evidenced by the comments. (I wonder what their wives would think if they saw their comments?….). I am hurt and feel totally disrespected. Not just disrespected because he was obviously ogling this girl, but also because he then chose to further disrespect me to his friends by sharing the photo and making lewd comments about it. I want to address it with him, but I don’t want it to come out angry or over-react. Help me out here. My insecure mind has me all confused. I am trying to stand up for myself, but don’t want to turn into a total nag about every little thing. What should I do? How should I approach it? Any suggestions are welcome.
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December 13, 2014 at 12:46 am
bamboozled1
i dont think youre over reacting… and i dont think you should feel insecure about it… but… i do think this is inappropriate, i can see why you would be thrown by it. i think what really needs to be addressed (i get the feeling youre not really sure what it is thats bugging you) is that this is just not the sort of behaviour that a man, who had an affair, and is trying to repair his marriage and make it up to his wife should be displaying, to anyone, anywhere.. its thoughtless, and careless and being careful with his marriage needs to be more important than ‘looking cool’ in front of his mates.
hope you find a way to bring this up. xox.
December 13, 2014 at 2:29 am
pabloswife
I agree with Bam xx
December 13, 2014 at 8:49 am
ak1293
You shouldn’t feel the way you do. This is not your fault. Don’t think you are over reacting I’m sure you deserve better!!!
December 13, 2014 at 9:22 pm
mummzydearest
I think you have two options: accept he will never change and deal with it or leave him. The writing is on the wall. Tough love- take care!
December 16, 2014 at 3:03 am
livinguptoexpectations
If he is fantasizing about these other woman he is still not being faithful! He has to make a choice! And the dishonesty speaks loudly to me! I’ve been through this with my DH. We have been married 14 years. Within 2 years of being married he cheated. And then he became a porn addict! This isn’t fair to any of us wives! And it shouldn’t be ok! You don’t have to be “cool” because “cool” isn’t necessarily right for a marriage!!!
I’ve nominated your blog for the Liebster Award…Jump on over to my blog and read about accepting it as well as my story!!! http://www.livinguptoexpectations.com
December 17, 2014 at 12:09 am
learning2trustagain
UPDATE: Thanks everyone for the comments and support. Some day, I hope to be able to validate my own feelings again. Until I re-gain my confidence, I’m glad I have a place where I can be honest and get honest responses to my questions. So, the update. I did get up the courage to tell him that the photo really hurt my feelings. He seemed genuinely sorry. And, I think he was genuinely sorry that I felt that way, but he simply does not see taking a picture with a scantily clad waitress as anything offensive or disrespectful. He thinks it’s all in good fun, and he meant no harm by it. I think mummzydearest said it best: “accept that he will never change and deal with it or leave him.” I have pondered leaving him on many occasions, including this one. After getting it off my chest and having him hear how I felt, considering it deeply, along with the fact that it happens so rarely – 2 times in over 2 years – I have chosen to accept that he will never change and just deal with it. I also have to remind myself that for him, the affair happened a lifetime ago. He doesn’t think of it or her or anything about it unless I bring it up, so I can see how he didn’t think it would have the affect on me that it did. I hope I’ve made the right choice, and I hope that now that he knows how I feel about it, he will think twice before he does something like that again.
December 17, 2014 at 11:35 pm
bamboozled1
please dont write it off. seriously.
we let them get away with saying ‘it didnt mean anything, it was stupid playing around, it doesnt matter’… next thing, youre hearing ‘were just friends’…
it does matter, and i do think it calls for some deeper self examination on his part… if its stupid games and it doesnt matter, why does it need to be done? what is it, that makes him think its ok? when its been brought up as something that bothers you.
nah. dont let him.
January 19, 2015 at 11:11 pm
cheaterfantasy
Have been reading your blog. So well written. Thank you.
Looking at the big picture. He is doing something that you feel is disrespectful towards you. He should then NOT be doing it. Sorry does not cut it either. He should think about his boundaries which need to be set by you way before he even thinks about getting into that situation. If you allow him to keep doing this it could lead him to make a bad choice again. Those men are like bad little boys getting their kicks from naughty pics. They need to grow up.
My husband had a friend he met every day for coffee. They were as bad as each other and thought that they were gods gift to women. A friend of mine sat near them one morning and told me that they were just dirty old men making comments at every young woman that walked past. I mentioned this to him pre dd and he laughed. Now he agrees it was wrong and he longer sees this friend.
Given an opportunity that has possibilities to do harm to a relationship need to be curtailed.
My H was a serial flirt. We argued about this for years. Finally after 30 yrs he gets it. No more flirting. Flirting gives him opportunity.
Set the boundaries and who knows he might even appreciate it. Xx
February 28, 2015 at 5:56 pm
blynn76
I’m like you, I am no longer cool. His morality and integrity he through between the mouth and legs of another. Boundaries…they are with in five feet and a cell phone bill with call detail. Would that I did not love him, the love keeps the pain ever present
June 12, 2015 at 11:04 pm
What was the final straw? | gettingoverhisaffair
[…] What did happen was that I finally realized that he will never change certain traits. Traits that I used to accept, but post D-day, can no longer overlook. Traits that aren’t bad necessarily, but not good for me. Not anymore. Perhaps the incident that really made look at this more closely was the “picture with a scantily clad cocktail waitress” incident that I wrote about in December (Still insecure; but am I overreacting?). […]