Last year I spent the holidays in great pain – everything was a trigger, and I was depressed.  This year, I was still triggered, but the pain and obsessive thoughts were short-lived.  Instead of exchanging gifts for our anniversary and Christmas, we took a vacation with another couple that we’ve known forever and really enjoy spending time with.  We had a major argument the week before vacation, and I was really unsure of whether our marriage would make it to the new year.  I haven’t written about it because I needed for us to work through it “alone.”  I needed my mind to be clear and unclouded by the blogs.  The vacation was perfect timing and proved to be a great bonding experience for both of us.  Since then, we have seemed to be closer and more connected.  We both agreed that we needed to take more vacations, even if they are just a weekend away.

I am still in therapy, and last week I decided to go only every other week.  I have learned coping mechanisms for my obsessive thoughts and triggers, which have helped.  I have accepted that there will always be triggers and I will always be reminded of the affair – which was very difficult for me, as for a very long time I wanted (needed) for someone to tell me that I would someday not be affected by the affair.  I wanted to be the person I was before the affair – trusting, happy, carefree.  I have accepted that I will never truly be that person again, and some of those traits that I had (e.g., blind trust) were actually harmful to me.  My husband wants that person back, too.  Particularly the blind trust.  He is having difficulty accepting that he will never have that kind of trust again.  I wish he would go to therapy by himself.  There are so many things he could work on – from issues and resentments from his childhood to self-forgiveness for the affair.  But, I accept that he does not want to.

Though things are better, and my depression seems to be lessening, I still have not forgiven him, and that is why I am still going to therapy.  I want to be able to let go of all of the anger and hurt and truly forgive, but I’m just not able to.  At least not yet.