It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve just not felt like it. I’ve not felt like anything lately, and I’ve been sad and down. I’m having trouble reconciling how my husband treated me at times during our marriage, and how I let him treat badly, and how I now am seemingly letting him “get away with it.” Doesn’t this go against everything I ever thought I stood for? Aren’t I showing him that it’s okay for him to walk all over me?
I’m also struggling because of his low testosterone levels. We are going on 6 months with no sex. I feel like I’m really going into year 3 of a sexless marriage. As some of you may recall from previous posts, my husband lost his interest in me when he started his affair in January 2010. We basically had almost no sex from 2010 through 2012, including a 15-month dry spell. I feel so unattractive, unwanted and undesirable. It is insult to injury.
We have counseling today, and hopefully we can air some things. I feel like something is bugging him, but he won’t talk to me about it. I feel like I’m always in the dark, like I’m always trying to guess what it is that I’ve done wrong or what I need to do to make him happy. I feel like I can’t make him happy and nothing I do will make him happy. Maybe he’d be happier without me. Maybe his affair was only a sign of him actually wanting out of this marriage. My husband has trouble being alone, and I sometimes think that he was looking for something better so he could leave me and not be alone.
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February 21, 2013 at 4:33 pm
Still Loving Him
This sounds incredibly painful. I’m so sorry. Has your husband had a medical exam to find the cause of the ED? Can he take testerone suplements? I use a testerone/estrogen/progesteron cream since I’ve had a hysterectomy, I assume they have a cream or pill for men too. They have everything else!
I’m so sorry you feel unwanted, I hope that’s not the case.
Staying does not mean that it’s okay that he cheated, you still need to hold him accountable. But staying and forgiving is harder than leaving, it takes a bigger person to stay and rebuild a broken marriage.
{{{Hugs}}}
February 21, 2013 at 6:52 pm
learning2trustagain
He is being treated for the low T – it’s just taking some time to get his dosage correct, I think. Meanwhile, I suffer… You are so right, though – staying is soooo much harder. I wish I didn’t love him, cuz leaving would be so much easier.
February 21, 2013 at 6:53 pm
Samantha Baker
My husband has low testosterone and he takes a cream supplement (bio-identical so it’s as close as possible to the body’s own natural testosterone). He takes it once a day on his wrists.
I’ve had to take Testosterone, Estrogen and Progesterone at times too because my hormones were out of whack.
Is he on anti-depressants? That can cause ED too. My husband is on Effexor, and takes Wellbutrin to help combat the sexual side effects.
I know sometimes it’s difficult to talk about, but I kind of didn’t give my husband a choice on that front. We discussed it.
February 21, 2013 at 10:44 pm
kayboo24
JR went through a period of ED as well. We thought it was low testosterone so he was checked and fell in the low to normal range. He was put on a supplement and it caused him to become very aggressive and hostile. That was quickly halted. Later we realized that the root to his problem was depression. He was very depressed during, and for a year after his affair. The guilt consumed him. We decided against medication and we have been able to work through his depression together. I am happy to report that now that he is in a better mental state he no longer suffers from any ED. The brain really does control everything about the body. Maybe you could discuss this during therapy. A marriage without sex is not a healthy marriage…in my opinion. Hang in there. I agree that staying is harder than leaving. JR and I actually had a talk about that last night. He acknowledges that I chose the hardest path by staying.
February 22, 2013 at 3:01 pm
learning2trustagain
Thank you for the encouragement, kayboo. I think he is suffering from a combination of depression and low T. Our counselor said the same thing yesterday. He is supposed to go back to his doctor, so hopefully, it will all get straightened out soon.
February 22, 2013 at 9:21 pm
flacamama
Thanks for sharing this. I physically can’t stand to be intimate with my husband. Its been 6 months and I know it bothers him but I just get flooded with mental images and memories. We can complete the act but well, there you go, how romantic does that sound? Its like a mechanical chore for me. I wish it was like it was before. He says he finds it hard to be physically affectionate because I seem to recoil from his touch. Its true but I can’t help it. It feels dirty. Maybe I’ll never get over it – I know that one – even he as the CS shouldn’t have to be in a marriage that lacks sex.
I am stuck in the feelings of ‘getting played’ and frustration in feeling, as your expressed, in his ‘getting away with it.’ I think all of that affects how I feel about him emotionally and physically. I am a year in and don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I am just so very very tired.
February 24, 2013 at 4:38 pm
learning2trustagain
I”m so sorry for your pain. I too wonder if I’ll be able to truly be intimate with mu husband again without having images flash in my mind (that is, when we do have sex again). I feel for you, and I hope you find a way to heal.
February 25, 2013 at 6:29 pm
Jennie
I am so sorry. I feel your pain. I discovered my husband’s affair on June 9th 2012. It was a 3 month or so long affair. It’s still hard on me at times. Around four months after the affair I found out I was pregnant with our third child. That made things so much more difficult as it was definitely not planned. I have been struggling a lot lately too. I keep thinking that I need to prepare myself to deliver and raise my kids alone. Thinking and praying for you.
May 7, 2013 at 7:56 pm
Tarnia
My husband told me about his affair on 25 January 2013 ( D-Day), We have been married. 6 years this year, his affair lasted about 9 months and the only reason I found out was because his tart got pregnant, we have 4 children, one together. She told him of the pregnancy when she was 5 weeks pregnant and he told her that he didn’t want anything to do with the child or her(he said the affair had sadly just ran its course anyway) . Three months on from that, he manage to get the courage to tell me, i was in complete shock as we had a loving relationship and i never thought he would be that person ever!!, he left his own business which is where she worked for him, changed all contact numbers and details. He started a new business In my name and me as owner and director. It’s been two and a half months and it has been a total rollacoster ride, it has been the worst pain I have ever experienced and I have cried everyday since. My husband has done everything he can to make it up to me and he couldn’t really do anymore, are sex life has gone from good to amazing which is pretty weird and we are more open and happy than we have been for a long time. When I read your story I can relate to every emotion you going through and at times I also think can I do this as I do believe it would of been easier to of left him. I love my husband more than I could ever explain but he has done the most horrendous thing a person can do to someone, I do not understand how he can say he loves me and always has because I love him and would of never put him through this. I read emails between the two of them and he told her he loved her and wanted a baby so this is particularly hard to deal with. My problem is she has something of my husbands and will forever and also is going to be a financial burden on us. This will be a constant reminder of his affair so once I get past this pain, I then have to deal with the birth of his child, my little boys half sister that he will never see or know as I won’t allow it. My husband says he has no feelings for this child and has no intention of ever being in its life as she told him she was on the pill and she had also previously had two abortions (a fact my husband didn’t know!!) and would not have another one as he believes she saw pound signs!!. I am so mixed up, hurt, devastated but kinda happy because I feel we are 100 times better, it’s all very messed up and I don’t know if we can make it or not